It’s a question that has been asked since as long as I know. Why do girls like jerks? Why do nice guys finish last? Why don’t girls like me, I’m so nice? Why do I fall for the bad boys?
As a self-proclaimed nice guy, I discovered something about myself: I wasn’t as nice as I would have liked to think. At the same time, there is some truth to the frustration of males who are actually being nice and the gullibility of some girls. I will do my best to shed some light on this subject.
When I thought I was a nice guy, I was not so frustrated with a girl rejecting me for a date; I was more enraged by the TYPE of guy she immediately dated and the REASON she gave me that she did NOT want to date. Example:
Me: Martha, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go out sometime?
Martha: I like you as a friend, but I’m just not ready to be in a relationship, I’m just not sure what I want right now.
3 weeks later, Martha is in a relationship with Paulo, the backwards-wearing hat guy who swears in class and talks down to the teacher, and is constantly sent to the principal’s office.
See, the thing is, I would not have been upset with the girl if she dated one of my friends or a guy I deemed was acceptable, because I knew it would be good for her; however, when she goes for the biggest jerk she can find, we begin feeling a sense of nice-guy duty to protect you from the horrid evil of womanizing sex-crazed manipulative abusive waste of space. I know what you’re thinking; aren’t all guys sex-crazed? Well, probably, but some of us won’t manipulate and abuse you or demand it immediately.
Continuing the story, Martha & Paulo remain in a relationship for 2 years, complaining about all the abuse and cheating to the nice guy, and then finally breaks up. So, what next? Nice guy swoops in, right? Wrong. Marko, Paulo’s best friend asks Martha out, who is exactly like Paulo, except possibly a bit milder. As in he only cheats twice per month, whereas Marko cheats 4 times a month. This relationship only lasts a year, as Martha says she realizes jerks are not for her.
By now, I have moved on, and started seeing Missy, the somewhat less attractive girl who actually said yes. So, Martha finally comes to me and asks me out. I say no, because I am in a relationship. Martha cries and begins to phone me almost every night, text crazily, and do everything in her power to get me to hang out with her. Eventually, out of guilt, I hang out with her, Again, I tell her I can’t date her, but I want to, right? But I can’t cheat on the other girl, either. Martha remains single for a few months, and Missy and I eventually break things off. I need some time to move on, so after a few months, still talking to Martha, I finally ask her out, but she says no, she’s in a weird place at the moment. 3 weeks later, she begins dating Paulo AGAIN!
And this, girls, is why nice guys claim they are nice guys, and claim you are idiots. This story is indeed one I have experienced, and one that is told by many men everywhere.
Now, girls, you are right in saying that a nice guy should not expect sex because he is nice. The problem is if and when you give sex to the guy who does NOT deserve it. However, guys, if this is the type of girl you are dealing with, is she really a sweet girl? A girl who gives it up to someone because he has power and status based on his aggressiveness? A girl who tries to manipulate you, lies to you, and tries to be a homewrecker? Not so sweet after all, huh? You see, we often associate “sweet, nice girl” with a certain attractive look, and it is rarely the case.
Now, for the part I think the ladies want to hear. Admitting my own web of deceit and the shame of my horrible man-ness. Well, I think I started off as the nice guy, I said. I constantly went through life being a “nice friend.” Basically, I was shy and never asked a girl out all throughout high school. For one, while I never asked a girl out, I was the guy who stared at girls constantly, all the pretty ones at least. Basically, that was my day, look at a girl until she stops looking, then look at another girl, until she stops looking, then back at the other girl. Oh, gee, sound familiar? That would have been a great basis for a relationship, right? “Why’d you ask me out?” -“Because you’re pretty!” Great job.
But let’s move forward a bit. For one, any guy who’s ever been heartbroken should be able to tell you that when the breakup occurred there some arguing going on, and I’m no exception. When this happens, all emotions are on the table; while I may have been nice during the relationship, I became a jerk afterwards, maybe to get even or something, I don’t know. But that’s not what I want to focus on today. What I want to focus on is how we men make poor decisions without even realizing it, which have the potential to make us jerks. During my second relationship in college, we were both nice to each other, but I wasn’t really happy in the relationship, and neither was she. We were ok, but I think we felt like we were settling. When I went home, some of my friends wanted to hang out, and threw a party. I went, but I should have realized: drinking + girls + no other source of entertainment. So, what happens? Most of the people there were already in a relationship together, except for one. She happened to be 17, while I was 22. Not that big of a difference, but still jailbait. Of course, she flocked to me and tried to sleep next to me. To avoid getting arrested, I pushed her off the couch and she slept on the floor. I did this because I was drunk and that was the only thought I had other than, don’t get arrested. No matter what I did, I was going to be a jerk to somebody. If I neglected the party, I was a jerk to my friends. If I cheated, I’m a jerk to the girlfriend. If I do what I did, I’m a jerk to the 17 year old girl.
The other, more reasonable option was, don’t get drunk, then sleep on the floor. The problem with men isn’t usually that we CHOOSE to be jerks. The problem is that we don’t think about our days – we don’t plan ahead and think about the scenarios that MAY happen. The problem with supposed NICE guys is that we are PEOPLE-PLEASERS. The problem with people-pleasers is that they try to PLEASE EVERYONE. The problem with pleasing everyone is that WHAT PEOPLE DESIRE FROM YOU IS NOT ALWAYS HELPING YOU.
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